The airport is always stressful. I don’t care if you are a well-endowed eighteen year old billionaire (thank you George Carlin) people are feeling a little vulnerable. This is why the airport bar is a strange necessity.
As a side note, who do you have to screw to sit in the exit row? Those six inches really do make all the difference.
Don’t say it.
In any case, the only reason the airport bar had any positive vibes on this particular evening instead of the ambiance of alcoholism and casual sex was because FOOTBALL WAS RETURNING!!!! BEER!!!! TWINS!!!! IMPERIALISM!!!!
I’m certainly not above it. I play fantasy football, I talk about fantasy football and will openly discuss the merits of Tom Brady’s haircut (Justin Bieber) or Adrian Peterson’s abs (chiseled marble).
The Saints were playing the Vikings and, much to my surprise, every single person in the bar was rooting for the Saints… in Boston. And half of these people were from England. This really was a testament to how captivating the Saints’ story from last season was. I was among friends for sure. I was able to watch the first half with the Saints leading 7-3 if I recall correctly.
I had a couple drinks before getting on the flight so I was feeling fairly relaxed (see buzzed). I walk onto the plane and find my seat. Someone is sitting in it. I deliberately requested to have the aisle seat for two reasons: I have a small bladder for someone my size and I’m 6’2. I like to stretch my legs into the aisle during the flight and I hate putting my butt or crotch into someone’s face to shuffle past them.
So there’s this woman in my seat who looks like she just took several cookies from the cookie jar before dinner. Wanting to seem above this clear violation of my aviatory rights, I took the middle seat (see pushover). It has nothing to do with the fact that I was trying to avoid confrontation. Keep in mind that the middle seat is less than desirable; someone always ends up sleeping on me and, without fail, there is a woman who is six thousand years old who wants to tell me about that time she made brownies with walnuts and nice Mr. Caruthers from the hardware store told her the walnuts were a perfect accent that time he helped her replace a light bulb, in 1953. And even though she was married she had lustful feelings for Mr. Caruthers who had always smiled at her even though she was a married woman and it was the 1950’s and things were different back then and it was wrong for her to have these feelings outside of her marriage and every once in a while Mr. Caruthers would be in her dreams and Father Sullivan told her she needed to pray more but she ended up getting divorced in 1969 and Mr. Caruthers was married at that point.
So I was feeling pretty good despite these potentialities, but nothing could prepare me for what would happen next.
Being an international flight, there’s a movie. And I’m sitting right by the television screen so I’m kind of juiced to kill a portion of this six hour flight feeling peachy on bourbon and anti-anxiety medication.
As a side note to my mother who is reading this: Yes, I had two drinks and took my medication. And, yes, I know you and the doctor told me not to, but I did it anyways. I’m a grown up!
Thanks for packing the sandwiches though.
What happened next was, in the plainest sense, very not good. The movie was that one where Common’s a basketball player and Queen Latifah is a human.
As someone who owns a whole bunch of Common’s music and enjoys it in addition to some of his minor acting roles, I, out of principle, refused to watch the movie. However, while watching It’s Always Sunny, I took a several glimpses at the movie. Here’s what I could gather about the plot:
- Queen Latifah is a fan of the New Jersey Nets; the team for whom Common plays.
- Common is really good even though his jersey number is nineteen.
- Common’s legitimacy as a talented player is verified by cameos from Duhwight Howard and Duhwayne Wade who banter with him.
- Common somehow meets Queen Latifah.
- Queen Latifah is a successful, independent woman who don’t need NO man.
- Common might be attracted to her.
- Common uses the famous person dating non-famous person trick where he shows up at her house. When famous people stalk it’s called “romantic”.
- Despite being independent and successful, Queen Latifah lives with her dad.
- The Dad, in the only realistic plot line, is thrilled that Common is interested in his daughter so he can finally poop with the bathroom door open.
- A series of preposterous and elaborate dates take place where Common makes assumptions about Queen Latifah.
- Those assumptions are wrong.
- Common’s attraction to Queen Latifah grows stronger.
- Things become Difficult. Common looks remorseful and Queen Latifah looks pensive while being filmed at separate locations from Common.
- Common has a big game where Everything counts on it. “Love is a game of basketball and they’re in for the game of their lives!!!” metaphor is emphasized further. I miss Love and Basketball.
- Queen Latifah’s pensiveness leads to an Epiphany and that Thing that made things Difficult is actually Unimportant because of her Love for Common.
- There’s a Speech by Common at the End and Love conquers all.
- Common and Queen Latifah go to the Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet.
Guess which one of those I made up.
Now I bet you’re thinking, man, you seemed to have garnered a significant amount of plot details despite not actually watching the movie.
Well gee, you are right, but I know so much because they played the movie twice in a row.
I need to find the flight attendants who saw this plan and thought, “Awesome. Four hours of Queen Latifah and Common acting.”
The flight attendants in-flight itinerary probably looked like this:
- Seating, cross check. Look pissed off that someone is playing GameBoy right before take off.
- Resent crying babies.
- Safety demonstration.
- After take-off, administer beverages to passengers once reaching cruising altitude. Hit a minimum of seventeen elbows with beverage cart. Feel no remorse.
- Roll eyes at passenger who asks for Pepsi. Give ticket voucher good for travel to 1996.
- Pass out “dinner”.
- Resent passenger who asks if there is a vegetarian option. Give ticket voucher good for travel to California or Vagina Island.
- Start movie.
- Roll credits.
- Start same movie.
- Administer cyanide.
Welcome to London!